Drowning in Fabric

Forever cleaning, organizing and creating

You have to want it more than you fear it

on January 25, 2013

I came across this quote, which according to pinterest is attributed to Bill Cosby, a few months back. And it stopped me dead in my tracks. I feel this simple sentiment is a huge commentary on my life. I have allowed fear to keep me from so many opportunities and experiences. I always had other excuses, but ultimately that is what it came down to. In pursuit (or lack thereof) of my art, I think a lot of it is actually perfectionism. I am so scared it won’t come out as I want it to, so I don’t try, or give up at the slightest difficulty. Do or do not, there is no try, right? It doesn’t help that the times I did put myself out there, it didn’t go well. Instead of fighting harder, as I should have, I crawled into a hole in embarrassment. Now, I am just embarrassed at my behavior.

This is my motto for this year. And hopefully, many years to come. As I near the end of the first half of my life, I am wiser, more mature, and full of regrets. What could I have accomplished if I had put aside fear and excuses and perfectionism and put in the time it takes to perfect a craft? If I had stuck to something instead of flitting from one interest to the next? If I had tackled a challenge head on, instead of crying and hiding in shame? Any failures or lack of accomplishment are my own fault and responsibility.

As I have so many times over the last year and a half, I look at myself through my child’s eyes, and think what kind of example I want to set for him and how do I want him to see me? Not as a failure for lack of trying. When we cleaned out my grandparents’ house after my grandmother passed, we found many books of art, quilting, rulers and art supplies. I knew my grandmother was a patron, but did not know she was a creator. When I asked my mother about it, as I packed those items to take home, she said that she thought maybe my grandmother aspired to create. That has always stuck with me. I remember thinking at the time, “I won’t let that happen to me.” That was more than ten years ago. I don’t believe I am any further from that statement now than I was then.

Even with all my new challenges and time suckers that have come with parenting, I am making every effort this year to create. Put fear aside and tackle things that are hard or scary. Stop making excuses. Chalk my mistakes up to lessons learned. Use the eraser and seam ripper without shame. Show people what I have done. And Just Do It.

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